Without You
by The Little Monster 1024
Summary: Castle is shot in an alley while with Beckett, as he fights for his life Beckett contimplates their partnership and the consequences is could have. She doesn't want to take the chance of something happening to Rick again, which leads to a tough decision.
1. Castle is Down

Without You

Chapter One: Castle is Down

**AN:** Thank you to all of the people who read my previous/other current fic; The One and Only! I hope you enjoy this new project just as much. (:

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><p>Richard Castle breathed in the smell of the old, damp alley he found himself standing in. It smelled of old motor oil and spray paint. The cold January New York weather sent a cold chill down his back. He pulled his jacket tighter around himself as he watched directly ahead of him as his partner stood gun in hand towards an armed murder. He stood about ten feet behind her, he forgot his bullet proof vest and she wouldn't let him get too close.<p>

"Castle! Call Espo and Ryan." Beckett ordered in a whisper.

Kate listened as she heard him run from the alley to retrieve a cell phone, her eyes never leaving Davis Rosner who was standing not thirty feet from her, aiming a .50 caliber handgun at her head.

"Davis," She said gently. "Put the weapon down." She ordered. "I can't help you unless you do."

"You don't want to help me! All you cops are the same; all you want to do is put me in jail." He said in a shaky voice. His hands shook violently as his back rested against the damp moldy bricks as he aimed at the detective ahead of him.

Kate hated times like this. Davis was only nineteen; practically still a kid, and he threw his life away by killing his friend over thirty-five dollars. "Davis, you killed Frank." She paused. "You will go to prison, but if you cooperate I can put in a good word to the DA." She watched as he tried to back further into the bricks, his attempts were useless, Beckett had him cornered. "Shooting me will only make things worse."

Kate watched as he processed what she said. Sweat, despite the cold air, rolled down his face as he stared at her.

She sighed in relief when he dropped his weapon, sliding to the ground with it. She lowered her weapon and took a few steps toward him, not expecting the two gunshots that were fired. She jumped back and pointed her gun at him, just in time to see him drop his gun. She moved quickly and kicked it away and looked down at herself, thanking God that he missed. She put her gun away and got down on the ground to cuff him. She pulled her cuffs from her belt and put them on him, watching as he winced in pain as the cold metal snapped down on his wrists.

"Kate…" She heard from the end of the alley.

She quickly looked up, her eyes scanning the alley, looking for the source. She gasped when she saw Castle lying on the ground. She quickly stood and ran to where he was lying, leaving a handcuffed Davis on the ground. "Castle! Are you hit?" Diving to the ground next to him. She quickly located two gunshot wounds on his stomach. They were really close and blood was spilling. She ripped his shirt open and removed her sweater, leaving only a small white tank top, and pressed it to the wounds, trying to stop the bleeding. She pulled her phone from her pocket and dialed Esposito.

"Espo, get down here now…and call an ambulance. Castle's down." She said, hanging up before he could reply.

She looked down into Castle's eyes as she applied as much pressure as she could to the wound. She recognized the look of shock and pain on his face. She would never wish that feeling on anyone, not even her worst enemy. It hurt her as she watched Castle go through it. She noticed that he was fighting for consciousness and with her free hand she reached for his and squeezed it tightly. "Rick, listen to me; you're going to be okay. I just need you to keep your eyes open."

She felt tears burn her eyes as she watched him try to speak.

"Kate…" He said again, struggling to sit up.

She gently pushed him back down. "Shh." She said. "Just lay still and don't try to speak. Focus all of your energy on trying to stay awake." She said.

She felt blood on her knees and looked down to see blood soaking through the sweater and seeping from the sides. She let go of his hand and pressed down harder on the sweater.

She looked up at his face as his eyes began to close. "No!" She yelled, reaching for his hand again. "Rick do not die on me!" She said, as the first few tears escaped her eyes. Normally, she wouldn't cry like that…over anyone; but this was different, this was Castle. "Think about Alexis; she needs you." She said, thinking of the seventeen year old girl. Alexis couldn't lose her father. She knew the pain of losing a parent and wouldn't watch Alexis go through that. "I won't let you die on her."

She watched as he was unable to keep his eyes open. "It's okay." She said, looking down at his stomach as she heard sirens approaching in the distance. "Close your eyes and just keep squeezing my hand."

She sighed in relief as he continued to squeeze her hand as the medics arrived. They ran over and took over, and held the sweater. She stepped back and watched as they worked on him, lifting him onto a gurney and into the ambulance.

She turned to glace at Davis who Ryan was talking to. She turned and glanced back at Castle, deciding what to do.

She jumped when she felt Esposito's hand on her shoulder. She turned to look at him. "Go." He said, nodding towards the ambulance.

She quickly nodded before running up to and climbing into the ambulance. Two medics were sitting on a bench next to him, holding a clean towel to the wounds. Beckett climbed in, ignoring them and sat as close to Castle as possible.

"Who are you?" One of the medics asked.

"Detective Kate Beckett." She said, holding up her badge without looking up from Castle's face. She grabbed one of his hands and squeezed it tightly. "Is he going to be okay?"

The medics exchanged glances before one of them spoke up. "Well, judging by the amount of blood in the alley, and the amount you are wearing," He said, glancing at her blood-stained pants and tank top. "He lost a lot of blood."

Beckett looked up angrily at him. "You didn't answer my question. I asked if he would be okay."

The medic noticed the death glare he was receiving. "There is a 75%..."

"No!" She interrupted. "I don't want to hear that! I want to hear that he is going to live." She paused, looking into his face. He couldn't die; Martha needed him, Alexis needed him…she needed him. "He can't die. Rick you can't die." She said, scooting closer to him. She held his hand tighter and kissed his forehead.

The medics exchanged looks. "Are you two dating or married?" One of the medics asked.

Kate shook her head. "No, what would give you that idea?"

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><p>Rick fought to briefly open his eyes. He listened as sirens blared in the background. He squinted to see Beckett above him. He could barely tell it was her. If it wasn't for the sea of brown locks and pools of green hazel staring down at him, he wouldn't have been sure. He listened as she begged him to live. He tried to speak to her, but couldn't, and only moaning came out. He tried to reach out and touch her, but he couldn't lift his arms. He felt the ambulance stop and the doors open.<p>

He was pulled from the ambulance. Doctors and nurses swarmed around him as they pushed him down the bright hallways. He searched for Beckett finding only comfort in her eyes. He found her running along behind them, until she caught up and grabbed his hand. He blacked out just as he felt her cold touch.

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><p>Kate grabbed his hand as she ran along with the gurney. "He closed his eyes! What's happening?" She asked the doctor.<p>

The doctor looked up at her as they approached the surgery room. "I need you to leave now." He said sternly.

Kate held tight to his hand. "No, I'm not leaving." She said. "He has to be okay."

"Detective, we can't help him unless we get him to surgery."

Kate looked at the doctor and then at Castle before nodding. She dropped his hand and stepped away as the doctors led him to surgery.

A nurse escorted her to the waiting room where dozens of eyes looked up and gasped in her direction. She looked down at herself and frowned at all of the blood. She quickly scanned the room for the least crowded area. She found a corner near the vending machines. She quickly walked over and stood with her back to the wall, out of sight from all of the other people. She brushed hair from her face, leaving a trail of blood on her forehead. She wiped the blood from her hands onto her pants and pulled her phone from her pocket.

She dialed Castle's mother, Martha, with shaky hands. When Martha didn't answer, she remembered that she and Alexis were visiting one of Martha's old college friends in LA. She decided to leave a message. "Hey, Martha it's Kate. Rick was…hurt." She paused, not wanting to give details of the shooting in a voicemail. "Can you just call me as soon as you get this?" She said quickly, before hanging up. She slipped her phone back into her pocket before pacing her ten feet of area.

This was all her fault; she never should have let him leave the car without a vest.

"Beckett?" She heard, interrupting her thoughts.

She turned to see Esposito and Ryan walking towards her. Their eyes scanned her from head to toe as they got closer, noticing every drop of blood. They noticed the tears threatening to fall, leaving her eyes glassy. The blood was the worst part; there was so much. Her pants were stained from the knee down and her tank top was mostly red, leaving only her shoulders and chest white. She also had blood on her forehead and traces of it on her hands.

"Davis confessed and is in holding." Esposito said as he and Ryan stood in front of her.

She nodded as she stared down at her blood-stained three inch heeled boots.

"How is he?" Ryan asked, knowing that Davis Rosner was the last thing on her mind.

Beckett looked up at him and shook her head. "I don't know. They just took him back to surgery."

Ryan and Esposito exchanged worried looks for their friend before turning back to the brunette in front of them. Ryan placed a sympathetic hand on her shoulder.

She looked into his sad sympathetic blue eyes before speaking. "This is my fault." She whispered.

Esposito grabbed her arms gently. "This is not your fault!" He said sternly, staring into her eyes to see the sadness and anger at herself. She couldn't blame herself for this.

"Yes it is!" She argued. "H-He forgot his vest and I told him that he'd be fine as long as he stayed far enough away. I-I didn't expect Davis to be armed." She said, letting her first tears fall. "I'm such an idiot; I should have made him wait in the car." She said quickly wiping her tears away. She wasn't about to let the boys see her cry.

Esposito and Ryan noticed the tears, but pretended they didn't. They'd all said it before, but they were all one big family, and it's never easy to watch your sister cry. "Beckett, you know Castle; he wouldn't have stayed in the car." Esposito said.

Ryan watched as a stray tear trickled down her face. He contemplated whether or not to hug her. He wanted to, but she being Beckett, he wasn't sure how she'd respond. He stepped forward and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. Esposito shot him a 'what the hell are you doing!' look. Ryan ignored it, knowing that Espo would do the same. "This is not your fault. You didn't know that Davis was armed."

Kate lifted her hand to pat Ryan's thankfully. She opened her mouth to say something when a thought entered her mind. "Oh my God." She said, running a hand through her hair. "What am I going to tell Martha and Alexis?" She said, looking up at the boys.

"You haven't called them yet?" Esposito asked.

Kate sighed. "Yes, but there was no answer." She paused. "This is all my fault; what are they going to say? Alexis already resents me because of when Castle tried to jump in front of the bullet at Montgomery's funeral." She said frantically.

Esposito and Ryan watched in silence. They had never seen Beckett like that. She seemed so scared and frantic. She was usually so strong and tough. It was a bizarre sight as they watched her freak out in the waiting room of the hospital. They listened and watched as she ranted on and paced back and forth.

"Detective Beckett!" Came an angry voice from the door. They all looked up and gasped turning and giving the woman their full attention.

Captain Victoria Gates walked up to them, glaring at Beckett. "Detective, I expect you to be representing the NYPD and myself, I do not want you going into hysterics in the hospital waiting room."

Esposito watched in anger as she yelled at Beckett.

"Uh I…" Beckett began, not sure of what to say or how to respond. A small part of her was contemplating slapping Gates.

"Go take a walk and calm down." Gates ordered, pointing to the door.

Beckett nodded. "Yes sir." She said, walking to the door. She walked out the door and found a small empty bench next to a bush. She walked slowly to the bench, sitting down with a shiver. She wrapped her arms around herself, trying to shield the cold as she stared down at her father's watch, thinking about calling him.

Esposito watched as Beckett walked outside. He glared down at Gates as she watched Beckett. When she turned to face the boys, Esposito was fuming with anger. "What the hell is wrong with you?" He said angrily.

Ryan's head snapped up from the ground to settle on his partner.

"Excuse me?" Gates said. "Who do you think you are, Detective?" She said angrily.

Esposito realized that he could get in trouble but he didn't care. They had all taken enough from her and she had just crossed the line. "How dare you talk to her like that!" He growled. "Do you not realize what she's going through?"

Gates stared up at the angry expression on the detective's face. She was surprised that he stood up to her, the whole time she had been at the precinct he's done his best to avoid talking to her at all costs; him and Ryan had. "I understand that she's upset, but I can't have her going into fits because her little sidekick was hurt."

"That's not it!" Ryan said. "Castle is more than just a partner and you know that! What if someone you loved had just been shot twice and was fighting for their life?" Ryan said loudly.

Esposito was surprised that Ryan said something; he was defiantly the one who was the most afraid of Gates.

Gates' eyes glanced between the two detectives, thinking about what Ryan said. She thought about her husband. She couldn't imagine what she would do if something were to happen to him. She instantly felt a wave of guilt. Although they weren't married and denied their feelings, it was obvious that Castle and Beckett were in love.

She sighed as she turned to follow the younger woman outside.

"Wait!" Esposito said, causing Gates to turn and look at him. He held his jacket out for her to take. "Give this to her."

Gates nodded and slowly made her way to the door.

She walked outside and searched until she found the detective sitting on a bench near a bush. She hesitated but eventually began to walk towards her. She approached her and sat down next to her.

Kate didn't look up. She continued to look down at her father's watch. She knew Gates was there, but didn't want to talk.

Gates wrapped the coat around her. "You must be freezing."

"Thanks." Kate mumbled, still looking down.

"Kate," Gates began, taking Kate by surprise by using her first name. "You must think that I hate you. But that it the furthest from the truth. I admire you; I see some of myself in you." She said.

Kate looked up at her.

"When I came into the precinct, I was intimidated." She confessed.

Kate was surprised. Captain Gates defiantly didn't seem to be the type of person to get intimidated. "You were intimidated? Of what?"

Gates chuckled. "Of you…and your team. I knew that Montgomery ran things differently; I knew that you were all so close." She paused. "Sometimes it's hard walking into a place where it's a close knit family. I knew that it was going to be hard; I knew that I was never going to live up to Montgomery in your eyes."

"Captain Gates," Kate said. "Captain Montgomery was very important to me; to all of us. You'll never replace him, but that doesn't mean you can't live up to his greatness." She paused. "We all like you for the most part, but we don't understand why you're so hard on us. We can handle things. We're not children…and neither is Castle." She paused at his name, barely able to hold back the tears. "Castle may not be a cop, but he has helped the NYPD very much, and he's very important to me and the boys."

Gates couldn't help but smile at the younger woman's words. "That's why I came out here Detective." She paused. "I know how you and Castle feel about each other…"

"Captain…" Beckett interrupted.

"Don't you dare deny it…We all see the way you two look at each other." She paused. "Even if you can't say it to him or out loud for that matter doesn't mean you don't feel it deep down. I spent four years with my husband as friends before I realized that I loved him, and then another two before I could tell him. I just can't imagine what I would do if he was in Castle's situation…so I'm sorry." She paused. "I'm sorry that I was so harsh with you…Now, I want you go home, get new clothes, and then walk in there and stay strong for the man you love."

Beckett shook her head. "No, I'm not leaving."

"Then let me or one of the boys to go." She paused. "You're freezing cold and covered in blood."

Kate shook her head again. "I'll call my Dad and have him bring me some clothes. He can stop by my apartment on the way here."

"Okay," Gates said, standing from the bench. "I need to get back to the precint. Take care." She said, patting Kate on the shoulder.

Kate looked up and watched s she walked away before pulling her phone from her pocket. She quickly dialed her Dad's number.

He answered on the first ring. "Hey Dad."

_"Katie, what's wrong?"_

It amazed her that he could tell how she felt just through her words.

"It's Castle…he was shot."

_"Oh my God! Is he okay? Where you with him? Are you hurt?"_

"I'm fine Dad. Castle and I were in an alley chasing down a suspect…Castle forgot his bulletproof vest…I thought he'd be fine as long as he stayed far enough away…I was so stupid…He got shot twice…he's in surgery now." She said as tears escaped her eyes again.

_"Hey, Katie you can't blame yourself. Are you down at the hospital?"_

"Yeah."

_"I'll be down in about ten minutes."_

"Can you stop by my apartment first and get me a pair of jeans and some sort of long sleeved shirt? Mine is covered in Castle's blood." She said, looking down at the blood-stained fabric.

_"Yeah sure."_

"Okay, I'll see you in a little bit." She said.

_"Stay strong Katie, he'll be fine."_

"I love you Dad."

_"I love you too."_ He said.

Kate hung up with a sigh and stood to her feet to walk back inside, catching a few stares from people in the waiting room.

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><p><strong>Okay, what did you think? The next chapter will pick up right where this one left off.<strong>

REVIEW! :D


	2. Staying Strong

Without You  
>Chapter Two:<p>

**AN: Thanks for all of the reviews and story subscriptions! I'm so sorry for the long wait. Oh, and this chapter has a lot of thoughts instead of dialogue. There's dialogue, but also thoughts…so yeah, you get it. **

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><p>The minutes passed by like hours as Beckett stared at the hospital floor, memorizing every scuff and scrape. The ticking of the clock felt like a needle piercing her skin; painful with every move. She stood with her back against the cool wall near the vending machine with Ryan and Esposito. She checked her watch every few minutes, only to find a couple of minutes had passed. They had arrived at the hospital nearly an hour ago and they knew nothing about Castle, except that he was in surgery.<p>

She kept picturing Castle lying on that hospital bed, with needles and tubes running through his body. His normally perfect hair drenched in blood; the constant warm smile erased from his face. It was her fault; she knew it. She wished that people would stop telling her otherwise.

Every few minutes a tear would escape and trickle down her face, almost taunting her. She'd quickly wipe it away, promising herself she'd remain strong for Castle.

Every few seconds she'd check her phone, wondering if Martha or Alexis had called her back. She had no idea what she was going to say. She felt terrible; she didn't know how she'd live with herself if Castle didn't make it.

Esposito stood about two feet away from her, also standing against the wall. He watched the clock, but watched her more. He had never seen her like this. She was so broken. She felt so guilty. He noticed every tear and then watch her quickly wipe it away as if it burned her face.

It hurt Ryan so much. Castle was important to all of them. He had to be okay. He took a glance at Beckett every few seconds to see the guilt all over her face. He thought back to when 3XK got his gun and how he was so guilty. She helped him get through it; he wanted to return the favor. He wanted to look at her and tell her that she couldn't blame herself. Everyone made mistakes, but he couldn't. She wouldn't listen.

"You know, it's okay to cry." Esposito said quietly.

She lifted her head and her eyes left the floor and caught his. She noticed the sadness in his eyes and also the sympathy directed at her. Her eyes then wandered to Ryan's whose blue eyes were glassy from the tears that threatened to fall. She felt more tears gather in her eyes at the sight of the broken men in front of her. She was about to say something when the sight of her father walking through the door of the hospital caught her attention. He was carrying a bag with her clothes and had a sad expression on his face.

The sight of his daughter broke his heart. She was covered in blood, which alone felt like a stab to the chest. Seeing your daughter head to toe covered in blood is hard to look at but the look on her face almost brought him to tears. Her make up was smeared as tears welled up and rested in the corners of her eyes, gently dripping down her face. She looked completely devastated. Jim hadn't seen that look of pure anguish on his daughter's face in over twelve years.

As soon as he was back in their corner of the waiting room near the vending machines, Kate walked up and hugged him. Jim held her tightly as he dropped the bag to the ground. He rubbed a hand up and down her back.

"How is he?" Jim whispered into her hair.

Kate sighed into the comfort of her father's arms as tears escaped her eyes, she had to be strong for Castle, but if no one could see her cry, it was fine…right?

"He's in surgery." She paused. "It's been an hour." She said, pulling away to look into his eyes.

Jim kept a hold of her forearms as he stared at the hurt in her eyes; the sadness and guilt in her hazel green orbs was evident. He couldn't imagine how she felt.

"I can't believe this happened…I shouldn't have let-"

"Katie stop it, it's not your fault."

"Yes it is…" She paused and pulled away from him. "I'm going to go change."

"Katie wait…" But it was too late, she had shed Esposito's jacket and handed it to him and she was now already disappearing into the bathroom.

Jim sighed. He didn't mean to make her mad, but she couldn't sit around blaming herself for the actions of a murderer.

"She did that to us too when we tried to tell her it wasn't her fault." Ryan said, noticing the look on the older man's face.

Jim turned and looked at two of the men he always knew would be there for his daughter. They were the brothers that he and Johanna had never given her. "How's she holding up?"  
>Esposito shook his head. "She's hurting…bad." He paused. "And she won't stop blaming herself."<p>

Jim nodded. "Do we know anything about Castle besides the fact that he's in surgery?"  
>Esposito shook his head.<p>

"You know, I don't want anything to happen to Castle and I hope more than anything that he's okay," Ryan paused. "But if he isn't, she's going to-"

"I know." Jim interrupted. He knew; he knew all too well. He didn't need to hear it out loud.

"Should one of us go check on her?" Esposito asked.

"It's the Women's restroom." Ryan said.

"So?" Esposito said. "We're cops."

"Which is nothing compared to an old woman with a can of pepper spray." Ryan added.

Despite the events going on, Jim found a smile forming as he watched the banter between the men unfold. "Guys, Katie would much rather be alone right now." Jim said.

Ryan and Esposito exchanged looks before nodding. "Okay, but when Lanie gets here there's no way she's going to let her be alone." Esposito said.  
>"Did you tell her?" Ryan asked.<br>Esposito nodded. "She should be here any time now."

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><p>Kate sighed in relief when she entered the bathroom to find it empty. She walked in slowly with her clothes in hand, and stopped in front of the mirror. She gasped at her reflection. There was so much blood. She'd seen blood before, a hell of a lot of it, but it had never been like this…on her, a living person.<p>

She took a deep breath. It wasn't just blood; it was Castle's blood. Castle's blood that was now dry on her skin. Castle's blood that rested underneath her fingernails. Castle's blood that was spread in a thin line across her forehead.

At that realization, she lost all control. The tears she had been fighting to hold back poured out of her faster than she could even try to stop them. A sob escaped her lips as she gripped the counter in fear her that her legs would give out from under her.

He was going to die. He was going to die and it was going to be her fault. He was going to die before she could tell him the truth; tell him that she lied to him. She lied, lie for months. She heard him, heard every word and felt the same way. But it was too late. She waited too long. She missed her chance.

She pushed the thoughts from her head. No, he wasn't going to die. She _needed _him. Without him by her side she was nothing. It was him who single handedly changed her. He made her find herself again. He tore through her 'wall' with a wrecking ball and there was no way in hell she'd let a little bullet take him from her now.

She tried to stop crying. She took a deep breath and used her hand to wipe at her tears. It was then that she realized she was shaking. Her blood covered hand shook as she moved it away from her face. Was she crying that hard?

She sniffled and took a few deep breaths before looking back up into the mirror. She looked awful. Her makeup was everywhere. Her eyeliner and mascara now formed dark black circles around her eyes. And her hair, oh god her hair. The wind and the amount of times she'd ran her hands through it had really taken its toll. She couldn't begin to think what she'd do with it, but she didn't care.

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><p>Dr. Lanie Parish came running into the waiting room of the hospital. She paused when she walked inside. All eyes focused on her. She scanned the room for her friends until she spotted them off to the side near the vending machines, only the back of Ryan could be seen.<p>

She walked quickly over to them and pulled on Ryan's arm to get his attention. All eyes focused on the ME as she spoke.

"How is he?" She asked.

"He's in surgery." Esposito said.

Lanie looked around. Ryan, Esposito, and Kate's dad…but no Kate? "Where's Kate?" She asked.

"In the bathroom changing." Ryan said, pointing to the women's restroom.

Lanie nodded and left the three men in search of her heartbroken friend. She walked up to the door and gently pushed it open. She had barely stepped fully inside when she froze. She tried to take in the sight of her best friend. She was covered in blood and holding onto the counter for dear life.

When Kate looked up and made eyes contact with Lanie, the ME felt tears well up in her eyes at the sight of Kate's red swollen eyes.

"Lanie…" She choked out, her voice breaking with the simple word.

Lanie snapped out of her trance and ran to her friend, pulling her into a bone crushing hug. Kate started crying into Lanie's shoulder. The ME felt the tears seep through the material of her shirt

"He has to be okay Lanie."

Lanie nodded and rubbed her hand up and down her back to comfort her. "I know sweetie." She paused. "Let's get you cleaned up so you can be out there when the results of the surgery come in."

Kate nodded and pulled away. She looked back in the mirror. "Where the hell do I even start?"

Lanie smiled. "Let's get some wet paper towels and clean your arms and face up." She said, stepping forward and pulling a paper towel from the dispenser. She ran it under warm water. Kate did the same and went to work on her face as Lanie cleaned up her free arm.

After about ten minutes of scrubbing the dried blood, Kate was all cleaned up except for the ruined clothes. Lanie reached down and picked up the bag of clothes and handed them to Kate. "Here you go." She smiled. "We'll do something about that hair when you're done."

Kate nodded and disappeared into a stall.

Lanie stood and stared into the mirror. How did this happen? Why did this happen to them? They were all good people. What did they ever do to disserve this? Castle HAD to be okay; he couldn't leave them all.

About that time, Kate emerged from the stall wearing a pair of jeans and a plain purple sweater. Lanie smiled at her and received a small fake smile in return.

"Honey, you're going to need to cheer up and have a little hope." Lanie said. "Castle never gave up hope on you like this."

The words stabbed through Kate like a knife. Oh God, had she really given up on him? Lanie was right. He'd never give up on her this soon. "Lanie, I'm sorry, I just…feel so guilty…and god I just-"

"Kate, it's okay to be upset, but he _isn't_ dead. He's still alive, just in surgery."

Kate nodded.

Lanie reached in her purse and pulled out a hairbrush. She sighed and shook her head. "You might as well take some Tylenol now because you're going to need it by the time we're done with this."

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><p><strong>These first two chapters and the next chapters are kind of the prologue of this story…they set up the rest of the story. I promise I'll update sooner. Oh, I know a lot of people might argue that this is a little OOC for Kate, but we don't really know how she'd react in this situation. This is just a way I imagine she'd react…<strong>

**Let me know what you thought and leave me a review? They mean a lot to me. :)**


	3. Selfish

**AN: Again, sorry for the wait. School has been crazy. I'll update more frequently during the summer. Thanks for the reviews and alerts! Keep em coming! (:  
>Oh, and this chapter is a tad shorter than the previous two. Chapters to come will be normal length.<strong>

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><p>"Ow!" Kate growled as Lanie finished running the brush through her hair. "That hurts!"<p>

Lanie nodded. "Sorry, but what the hell did you do?" She asked, setting the brush to the side. "There, as good as it's going to get until you shower."

Kate nodded. She looked in the mirror. Her curls had faded leaving her hair in messy soft waves. She didn't like it at all.

Lanie noticed the not pleased look on her face. "I think one day without perfect hair will be just fine Kate." She said with a smile. "Or are you just upset because Castle is going to see your messy hair?"

"If he…"

"Kate." She said sternly.

Kate nodded. "Positive." She whispered.

Lanie patted her gently on the shoulder before heading for the bathroom door. "Come one honey." She said. "Let's go make sure the boys haven't driven your poor dad insane yet."

Kate couldn't help the small smile that formed on her lips as she nodded and followed Lanie from the bathroom.

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><p>Ryan watched her. He watched her look from the clock to her phone to the floor and then to the clock again. She couldn't sit still and kept glancing at Lanie every few seconds who whispered "Positive, Kate." With every glance, only to get a small nod from Kate in return.<p>

She was a wreck. He wanted to help her so much. It wasn't her fault at all and no matter how many times Lanie told her otherwise, no matter how many times she was told to stay positive, she wasn't. And Ryan knew it.

"Kate?" He said gently.

All eyes looked up from their resting spots to stare at the blue eyed detective in confusion.  
>"Yeah?" Kate asked.<p>

"Can you-uh…will you, um, come take a walk with me?" He asked nervously.

Kate stared at him. A walk? In the wonderfully cold weather on this marvelous day? What the hell Ryan? "A walk?"

Ryan shifted his weight and nodded. "Please Beckett? I want to talk to you about something."

Esposito and Lanie exchanged a look. Lanie silently asked what was going on, but Esposito just shrugged, not knowing what his partner was up to.

Kate sighed. "Ryan, can't this wait? Castle-"

"Is in surgery." Ryan interrupted. "It won't take long."

Kate hesitated, but then gave in. "Fine, fine." She said, taking a step toward him before turning back to look at her Dad, Lanie, and Esposito. "If _anything_ happens, call me."

They all nodded and Kate followed Ryan through the automatic doors of the hospital. Once outside she felt the cold wind slap her in the face and whip through her already god awful hair.

She just wanted to be inside. She wanted to be there when the doctors told them whatever news they had to bring. She wanted to be there because after all, it _was_ her fault wasn't it? Lanie said to be positive, and she was pretty damn positive that this was all her fault.

"What do you want to talk about Ryan?" She asked as they continued walking slowly down the sidewalk that lined the hospital.

Ryan thought for a minute. How the hell did he start this? He just wanted to help her, to prove to her that this wasn't her fault, and to be there for her just as she always was for him. He took a deep breath. "Do you remember back when Jerry Tyson got the drop on me and then took my gun?" He began. "And then earlier this year we found out that a girl had been murdered with my gun?"

Kate stared at him, unsure how this was related and why it even mattered at the moment. She nodded. "Yeah, I remember."

"I blamed myself for the girl's death. I hated myself for being a bad cop, for letting 3XK get my gun which led to the end of a young woman's life." He paused to look up at Kate who wore a confused expression on her face. "When I was blaming myself…when I…just hated myself, you were there." He said gently. "You helped me see that it wasn't my fault. And Kate…" He hesitated. "This isn't your fault."

Kate stared at the man in front of her. Of course she remembered 3XK. She remembered how wounded Ryan was. It wasn't his fault.

This was her fault though. Ryan didn't hand Jerry Tyson his gun; she had sent Castle in without protection.

"Kevin-" She began to protest.

"No," He interrupted. "Stop it! This is not your fault!" He said loudly, causing people to stare in their direction.

Kate was surprised at his tone. She'd never heard him talk to someone like this unless it was a suspect in interrogation.

"You didn't send Castle in knowing he was going to be shot. You would never put him in danger." He said. "What is Castle going to say to you when he wakes up and we all tell him how you've been walking around blaming yourself? He's going to tell you to stop because it isn't your fault. The only person at fault here is the man that pulled that trigger."

Kate stared into the man's blue eyes. He was right. Castle would deny that it was her fault. He would argue with her and tell her that she was being ridiculous, just like their friends were doing.

But if Castle said it, it'd be different. He'd be alive...talking to her.

What about his family though? Martha and Alexis? What would they say?

"But Martha and Alexis." She said quietly.

"What about them?"

"He's their family! Martha's son and Alexis' father! And for four years I've been dragging him around putting him in near death situations when he could be sitting in his loft writing. All of the times they've been worried about him, all of the fears they've had since he's started shadowing me came true. He was hurt and that's all because of me!" She said. "Even if his shooting isn't my fault, it is my fault that he was there."

"He chose to follow you."

"Yeah, but I could make him leave if I wanted to. All I'd have to do is tell him to go and he'd do it…but I was too selfish…I-I wanted him there at the precinct, with me…I-" She stopped, realizing where this was headed and didn't want to continue. "I…I should've made him leave after the first Nikki Heat book. He's not a cop; he doesn't need to be in harm's way."

Ryan stared at her for a moment at a loss for words. "Even if you had made Castle go away, he would've found his way back into your-err-our lives. You couldn't have made him stay completely away."

Kate took in what the younger man said to her. She didn't know if what he said was true. If she made him think that she really wanted him gone, he'd do it. She knew he would. She just never said anything because she didn't want him gone.

So, because of her selfishness, he might not live to see his daughter graduate high school. Alexis will lose her father.

Because of her, Alexis would lose her father. She couldn't live with herself if she was the cause of Alexis losing her father. She knew that feeling. She wouldn't wish it upon her worst enemy. Let alone Alexis.

"Ryan…what if he doesn't make it?" She whispered. "Alexis will lose her father…just like I lost my Mom. It'll be my fault…I-I can't watch Alexis suffer like I did. I-" Her voice broke. And she hated herself for it. She didn't want to cry in front of Ryan.

At the sound of her voice breaking, Ryan stepped forward and wrapped and awkward arm around her shoulder and then pulled her into a hug. "It's going to be okay Kate. Castle is going to make it."

Kate hesitated for a minute, but then hugged the other detective back. "How can you be sure of that?" She whispered.

"Because he's not going to leave you this easily." He said.

Kate pulled away from the hug and stared at him. The certainty in his eyes that Castle would be okay gave her some hope. "Thank you." She said.

Ryan nodded. "Let's get back inside and make sure Javi and Lanie haven't started fighting and your Dad has to hold them back."

Kate laughed and followed Ryan back inside.

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><p>Kate looked around at the group of people surrounding her. Ryan and Esposito were fighting over the last bag of pretzels in the vending machine, Lanie was staring at the floor, and her father kept patting her shoulder in a creepy way that he probably thought was comforting.<p>

She sighed. It had been an hour and forty-seven minutes. Why was it taking so long? "Did my surgery take this long?" She asked quietly.

They all looked at her with those sad, sympathetic eyes that she hated. Lanie was the first to answer.

"Your surgery actually took a lot longer."

Kate groaned.

Jim quickly responded. "But Katie, you had heart surgery." He paused. "You were each…hit in different areas. There's no way to tell."

Kate opened her mouth to respond but was interrupted by the loud voice of a doctor. "Castle! Do we have anyone for a Mr. Richard Castle?"

For a second, they all froze. They all stared at each other before Kate lunged forward. "Yes!" She said loudly. "We're here for Richard Castle." She said, stopping in front of him.

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><p><strong>Ohh! Cliffy…kinda. (:<br>Oh, and I kinda just finished watching 'Kick the Ballistics' couldn't you tell? Ryan and Beckett had some sweet moments in the episode and I liked them. I wanted to explore their relationship a little more.  
>What did you think? Leave me a review and let me know! <strong>


	4. I Was So Scared

Chapter Four

**AN: Thank you guys so much for all of the reviews and story subscriptions!**

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><p><em>For a second, they all froze. They all stared at each other before Kate lunged forward. "Yes!" She said loudly. "We're here for Richard Castle." She said, stopping in front of him.<em>

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><p>The doctor nodded. "You're Mr. Castle's family?"<p>

"Uh." Kate paused. "We, um, work with him. His family is out of town at the moment." She said. "How is he? Is he okay?"

The doctor nodded. "Mr. Castle has been out of surgery for about a half hour and is awake, stable, and recovering nicely."

Kate let out a sigh of relief. She felt her knees begin to shake at the doctor's words. A hand on her shoulder steadied her. She turned to see her father gently holding onto her shoulder, while Esposito had Lanie in a hug and Ryan smiled.

Her eyes wandered to Ryan's. Their eyes met and Ryan smiled wider at her. "See? He's not going anywhere." He mouthed.

Kate nodded, blinking back the tears that were forming in her eyes.

"Can I see him?" Kate asked, turning back from her friends and looking toward the doctor.

"I'm sorry," The doctor began. "I can only let family in at the moment…"

"But," Kate interrupted, reaching in her pocket to pull out her badge. "I'm Detective Kate Beckett with the NYPD; Castle is a civilian consultant…my partner." She said. "I need to see him. He was shot while running down a lead with me. I need-"

The doctor interrupted her by shaking his head. "I'm sorry, I can't-"

"No," Kate said. "Listen, you don't understand. We're...we're..." What the hell where they?

"They're engaged." Lanie said quickly.

All eyes darted to the ME, including Kate's. Lanie gave her a subtle look.

"I'm sorry Kate...I know you wanted me to keep it a secret but this is more important than your secret." Lanie lied.

The rest of the gang caught on and looked back at the doctor, nodding.

Kate looked at the doctor too with hopeful eyes. "Please."

The doctor looked on the faces of the people. He must've believed Lanie because he nodded slowly. "Room 112 Detective Beckett." He said, turning and walking back through the doors.

Kate nodded quickly and turned to look at her father, Lanie, and the boys. "Thank you." She whispered to Lanie as unshed tears glistened in her eyes. "All of you...thank you."

They all nodded.

Kate hesitated to move, thinking about hugging them.

"Go." Jim said, nodding toward the doors the doctor had disappeared through.

Kate nodded at her father and turned to follow the doctor.

As Kate stepped through the doors, she stopped to stare down the endless, crowded hallway. She slowly started forward, glancing inside the rooms of patients with open doors.

Although the hallway was very loud, the only thing she could hear was the sound of her heels clicking on the floor.

She walked slowly, her heart pounding. This was almost too good to be true. He survived. He didn't leave her.

112. She was staring at his door. Behind the wooden barrier was the man she loved; Alive and well.

She tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear as she reached for the cold door handle. She slowly twisted it and pushed the door open,

Kate's breath hitched in her throat as she stepped through the door. She froze when her eyes caught his.

Richard Castle looked up from his iPhone and his eyes met hers as a bright smile crossed his face. He was so happy to see her; happy to see the woman who lied to him…the woman who put him in that hospital bed.

He looked tired, sick, and his hair was a mess but his eyes shined as bright as ever. She couldn't speak. He was alive. He was here. He was with her.

"Hey," Castle said softly. "Couldn't bring me some coffee?" He joked with a smirk.

That voice, the voice she thought she'd never hear again.

Kate stood still, still staring at him. She kept telling herself to move toward him, but she was afraid to move, afraid that any movement would cause her to wake up to the harsh reality of his death.

"Kate?" He said gently. "Are you okay?"

She quickly nodded, breaking free from her trance. Classic Castle, he's lying in a hospital bed with two bullet holes through his stomach and he's worried about her.

Kate walked toward him, taking painfully slow steps, almost torturing him. He wanted her right next to him.

When she finally made it to him, she sat down in the uncomfortable chair next to his bed and gave him a small smile.

"Hey." He said.

"You really scared me this time, Castle." She whispered.

Rick smiled and stared at her. She looked awful; her hair was a mess, make up smeared all over; she'd been crying. Crying over him. But she was still the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen. "I thought it was my turn." He said. "My turn to give you a little scare." He joked.

When she didn't laugh, but sit quietly while scanning his body from head to toe, he spoke again. "You saved my life."

The wods hit her hard. He didn;t hear that she saved him...he knew. He remembered everything. What if he realizes that she remembers. "Huh?" She asked, her eyes settling on his.

"If you hadn't held your sweater to my stomach, I would've lost too much blood." He said. "Thank you."

She shook her head. "That's what partners are for."

He smiled at her and she returned a small one. She was still upset about something, but he couldn't tell what it was. Just as he was about to say something, she surprised him by taking his hand.

"I was so scared, Castle." She whispered. "I-I thought...I thought you were going to...and it'd be my fault because I didn't make you wait in the car...and then Alexis would loose her father like I lost my mom and I-I couldn't do that to her..."

"Hey...hey!" Rick said, squeezing her hand when he saw the tears gather in her eyes. "I'm fine, and Kate this isn't your fault. I wouldn't have stayed in the car even if you had made me." He said with a small smile. "You saved me, Kate. Don't blame yourself."

She nodded, though she still blamed herself and always would, she pretended not to in front of Castle. "I was so scared." She repeated.

"I'm fine." He whispered. "And it's because you saved me; you always save me."

She stared down at his hand in hers, her thumb playing over his rough skin. She squeezed him hand tightly. She needed to tell him. She needs to. He deserved to know; dissevered to know that she lied to him. She looked up into his worried blue eyes that were staring at her. "Castle, I…" She stopped. Not now. She can't tell him now. _Later_ she promised herself.

He stared at her with intent eyes.

"I…I'm so glad you're okay."

Castle laughed. "So you've said."

Kate smiled at him, still holding onto his hand. "You've got everyone worried. Even Gates was here."

"Gates? Really?"

Kate laughed. "Maybe she has warmed up to you."

Castle laughed and then it hit him. Alexis. His mother. Where were they? Did they know? "Kate, did you call Alexis and my Mother?"

Kate nodded. "Yeah, yeah I did but they didn't answer. I left them a message saying that you were hurt…but I didn't say much more." She said, dropping his hand.

He sighed, missing her hand in his. "Thanks."

"Should I call them and let them know that you're okay?" She asked. "They're probably pretty worried I was a little…worked up when I left the voicemail."

Castle smiled, about to make a joke, and then thought better of it. She'd clearly been a wreck and it was clearly because she blamed herself. "Yeah, that'd be great." He said.

She pulled out her phone to call them when he stopped her. "Text Esposito and have him do it…if the nurses see you talking on the phone they'll have a fit." He whispered. "They had a fit when I called Gina and canceled my book signing for tomorrow."

Kate smiled and shot Esposito the text. "Are Gina and Paula going to keep this out of the media or by tomorrow morning is the world going to know that you were shot?" She asked.

"Are you kidding?" He said with a chuckle. "Gina already knew. Apparently its all over the internet."

Kate was about to respond when a nurse who looked to be in her late sixties walked in with a smile on her face. "How're you doin' Mr. Castle? Oh!" She said, spotting Kate. "Sorry to interrupt you two lovebirds!" She giggled.

Kate started but then put on her best fake smile, reaching for Castle's hand. Castle stared at the nurse, confused by her words and Kate's actions.

"It's okay." Kate said.

"I guess you're going to have to postpone the wedding eh?" The nurse said.

_Wedding? _Castle thought to himself. What? He looked over at Kate to see her smiling broadly at the woman.

"Yeah," She said. "I guess so. Won't be able to dance at the reception like this."

The nurse laughed and turned to leave. "Call if you need anything, hun." And with that, she left.

Castle looked over at Kate who was still holding onto his hand. Their eyes connected and laughed at the confused look on his face. "Oh yeah Castle, we're engaged."

"We're _what?_!"

Kate grinned. "They wouldn't let me in to see you because I'm not family so Lanie told the doctor that we're engaged."

Oh. Castle smiled. "You went through all that trouble just to see me? I'm touched Beckett."

Kate smiled. "Yeah, so when the nurses come in again try not to look like it's the first time you've heard of this."

Castle nodded. "Maybe you should kiss me a few times so we can really get that engaged look going…"

"In your dreams Castle." She said. _And mine too._

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><p><strong>AN: I hope you liked this chapter! So, as you can see, chapter to come are going to be different. (: Don't forget to leave a review about what you think! <strong>


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